Thursday, May 12, 2011
Dancing Through Pain
When the shit hits the fan, that's when you realize what is real in your life and what is not. What you go to when you have real grief, ( not just day to day drama bullshit), what you turn to when you are in so much pain you feel like you could die. Those are the real things in your life.
I am on a life dictated bellydance hiatus right now. What that means is that our life has been turned upside down and there is absolutely no room for workshops, shows, classes, etc. I do not want to put on a costume. The idea of any of that seems as out of place as Paula Deen in a Whole Foods market. I am packing up all of my glitzy stuff, all of my costumes. But I am keeping out my veils, my zils and of course my Ipod.
I have done this before. There have been many times I packed up the stuff thinking, I wonder when this will come back out again. Moving to a new town, having children, feeling lost in the dance, and needing a break all saw me bringing out the clear plastic bins labeled " dance stuff". I would walk by it and say, hey, I haven't forgotten you are there....life is just in the way right now. Inevitably I did get a chance to dance in groups again, and the time I spent isolated, dancing for myself alone always left me feeling stronger.
Finding cancer in my husband, plus more other garbage that is in some ways worse than that ( believe it or not) has re-adjusted our lives, thrown the lid off, turned everything upside down. The cancer is more than likely curable, it looks like he has a really good chance. The other stuff, I am not so sure. Honestly, I don't know how I am managing to breathe these days.
But I will dance. Packing up my stuff, cutting ties to dancers, classes, workshops does not mean that I am not a dancer. The only prop I need is the music, the only costume, what I am wearing, and the only tool my body. I can't not dance. And right now,when I am feeling more pain than I could have ever imagined that I was capable of, I need dance more than ever.
So I don't know when I will post again. The truth is, writing has always been extremely cathartic for me, and just because I won't be plugged into the dance community doesn't mean that I won't be exploring dance by myself. So I may post I may not. Either way you guys have been a great support group and please send me all the good wishes, prayers and whatnot you have that you can spare. I really really need them.